Dr. Metablog

Dr. Metablog is the nom de blague of Vivian de St. Vrain, the pen name of a resident of the mountain west who writes about language, books, politics, or whatever else comes to mind. Under the name Otto Onions (Oh NIGH uns), Vivian de St. Vrain is the author of “The Big Book of False Etymologies” (Oxford, 1978) and, writing as Amber Feldhammer, is editor of the classic anthology of confessional poetry, “My Underwear” (Virago, 1997).

Two (Possibly Three) Improvements to Soccer

Netherlands-Argentina was exciting and rather beautiful until it went to penalty kicks. What a foolish way to find a winner! It's as if, in basketball, tie games led to a foul-shooting contest, or if, in baseball, instead of extra innings they started hitting fungoes for distance. Soccer travesties itself by resorting to penalty kicks. A better solution: play until someone scores. Sudden death. I mean, sudden victory. I would hope the game (the match) would end before midfielders start to collapse from exhaustion.

Brazil-Germany offers a second opportunity for improvement. Is it not time to institute a mercy rule.  When there's a mismatch in junior high girls softball and one team gets ahead by ten runs, the game is called off. It's over. It should be the same in soccer. Team A, let us say, runs up a five goal lead — stop the game, everyone go home.  Why should a team (Brazil, for example) suffer interminable humiliation.  

And a bonus recommendation: no biting. Recidivist biters should be banned for life. 

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