Dr. Metablog is the nom de blague of Vivian de St. Vrain, the pen name of a resident of the mountain west who writes about language, books, politics, or whatever else comes to mind. Under the name Otto Onions (Oh NIGH uns), Vivian de St. Vrain is the author of “The Big Book of False Etymologies” (Oxford, 1978) and, writing as Amber Feldhammer, is editor of the classic anthology of confessional poetry, “My Underwear” (Virago, 1997).
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If one 4 1/2 year old grandson can launch five foot stream of urine from where he stands to the base of a tree, how many 80-year-old grandfathers would it take to equal the performance?
Some answers: a) 20 (tag team line of grampas each contributing 4"). b) does it count if I hurl my Depends? c) I know the answer but I forgot.
20 men each contributing 4” is a close guess but a bit on the optimistic side. In last year’s Geriatric Games held here in enlightened, open-minded Toronto, the Men’s 5-Foot Urinary Relay was won by the Rusholme team (“the Yellow Tide”) with a record low of 24.
The way you have posed the problem, it’s unanswerable. You could take all the grampas in the world, force-feed them litres of waters ’til the cows come home, and — with all competitors toeing the same line — not one of them will be able to achieve the required distance. But the TV coverage would be terrific.
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