Dr. Metablog

Dr. Metablog is the nom de blague of Vivian de St. Vrain, the pen name of a resident of the mountain west who writes about language, books, politics, or whatever else comes to mind. Under the name Otto Onions (Oh NIGH uns), Vivian de St. Vrain is the author of “The Big Book of False Etymologies” (Oxford, 1978) and, writing as Amber Feldhammer, is editor of the classic anthology of confessional poetry, “My Underwear” (Virago, 1997).

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What’s On My Mind

Disease, dying and death, I'm afraid. During the last month or so, the cohort of friends with whom I've gone through life has been suffering major losses. BD, a friend of more than forty years standing, has just breathed his last. AM, whom I know from the PS 217 schoolyard, is suffering from cancer of the esophagus, now described as terminal. M has ALS and can no longer move or speak. LW suffered a bad stroke some while ago and is now in "assisted living." JP has gone from robust to frail in a few months and has been moved to a "memory care" unit. And others.

I've taken to reading the obits. Every week the name of a former colleague or a friend of a friend shows up. Inevitable, you say. But distressing nevertheless.

I'm healthy, but I'm old, long past my expiration date. I know that one of these days it will be my turn with the doctors and the hospitals. Too bad, because after some difficult years, I'm enjoying life to the full once again.

My grandmother, then in her upper 80s, said to youthful me, "I don't like being old. But what are my choices?"

2 responses to “What’s On My Mind”

  1. Fran Gardner Avatar
    Fran Gardner

    Robert wrote me about the Professor Bush entry about a year ago and I just got around to reading it. What a splendid piece of writing! So I am crunching my way into your blog now. And I am quite taken with your rumination on mortality. I live in assisted living, because my MS has gotten that bad, but fortunately it’s a great place to live. One of the downsides, of course, is that people die here all the time.
    Last week alone there were four deaths (none from COVID, as we have zero problem with that, but there are 120+ residents here). So I think a lot about these recent deaths and about people I’ve known who have passed on.
    I am especially sorry that I did not tell more of my friends that I loved them while they were alive.
    I’m only 71, so I might live here a long time. I feel a soul connection to those who are gone; they are a living memento mori. It strengthens me while it humbles me.
    —Fran Gardner

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  2. Don Z. Block Avatar
    Don Z. Block

    My neighbor used to say, “With a little luck, we’ll all be dead soon.” Not too long ago, she got a little lucky. What are the choices? No choices, only the hope that it comes suddenly so that one experiences immediately the oblivion of unawareness we all had before we were conceived. That was painless. There is something to be said for nothingness. It sure as hell beats hell, and there such as hell ain’t no such thing as hell. But I understand why Woody Allen wrote, “I don’t mind death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” However, the mystery of consciousness will probably remain until we expire, and we will never figure out what made us aware and why we became aware in this human form when we became aware. And that is the best I can do with words that in my mind and pen have never been able to express what reality is.

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