Dr. Metablog

Here follows a list of some of the many activities that I definitely, excruciatingly, do not wish to perform before I kick the ol' kettle. My life is perfectly complete as it stands, and I feel no psychological pressure to engage in any of these anxiety-ridden ventures. Nope, all the pressure is on the side of safety, indolence and sloth. I'm mighty "fulfilled" just as I am. As fulfilled as I want to be.

I do not yearn to explore the depths of the Marianas trench in a submersible — nor even go down a few hundred feet to view a shipwreck. I prefer the surface of the wine-dark sea, or better still, a quiet pond where, even if I'm a daring distance from the edge, my feet can still touch bottom.  

I do not want to take up diving into shallow rivers from rocky precipices. I'm not interested in being death-defying or picturesque. I can defy death just perfectly while lying on my couch. Also, no bungee-jumping, or, even more lunatic, jumping out of airplanes with a fickle parachute on my back. No thank you.  

I have no desire to smuggle weapons or drugs across the border or into Singapore or Iran. In fact, I don't think I'll do any smuggling at all. I consider my career as a smuggler, never flourishing, to be absolutely finito.

I do not need to take up a late-life career as a wild-animal trainer. No lions, tigers, bears. Though I do wish that I could do something about the broccoli-eatiing groundhogs.

I don't wish to train for a second career as a food-taster to the mighty. I wouldn't be good at the job; I'm chronically, almost terminally hypochondriacal. I would probably find poison in every forkful or sip –  and then display all sorts of bizarre symptoms. I especially don't want to be a food taster for people on Mr. Putin's shit list. No sirree.

I do not want to go dancing with the stars. Never, never, never, never, never (as William Shakespeare wrote in a slightly different context).  No televised tangos in my future.

I am not going to sign up for that trip to Mars. Or to the moon. Or anywhere that requires a pressure suit. I'm comfortable in my "relaxed fit" jeans and shirt.