Dr. Metablog

Dr. Metablog is the nom de blague of Vivian de St. Vrain, the pen name of a resident of the mountain west who writes about language, books, politics, or whatever else comes to mind. Under the name Otto Onions (Oh NIGH uns), Vivian de St. Vrain is the author of “The Big Book of False Etymologies” (Oxford, 1978) and, writing as Amber Feldhammer, is editor of the classic anthology of confessional poetry, “My Underwear” (Virago, 1997).

DR. METABLOG’S
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  • Michael Hollingsworth writes: 

    "Dear Dr. M.:  you're directly on target when you claim that Woody Allen and Philip Roth are the same person, but you've unaccountably omitted to mention the most pressing evidence.The year: 1972. Philip Roth published The Breast, a fantasy about a writer transformed into one. Woody Allen released Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, in which a giant female breast wreaks havoc upon the countryside.  Obviously, both "Roth" and "Allen" had recently read Gogol's The Nose and Kafka's Metamorphosis. Just as obviously, "both" of "them" were struggling with some seriously unresolved maternal issues. How fascinating that both of their boundless cups of creativity "runneth over" so to speak, in such similar ways. A coincidence? Hardly. 

    By the way, both "Roth's" and "Allen's" contributions are embarrassingly false and flat."

    Dr. M. responds:  "You know, Professor Hollingsworth, I think I support your breast remarks. I'd been aware of both of these upwellings of mammariness but I never put two and two together. If Roth/Allen aren't doppelgangers, they're certainly developing along twin tracks.

    And let me add my own reservations:  the short stories by Gogol and Kafka are untouchable contributions to world literature.  Both writers create astonishing fantasies; they also manage to skewer the particularities of, in the one case, czarist Russia and in the other, early twentieth-century Prague. Frankly, neither Roth's nor Allen's breasts are anywhere nearly as full or pointed."    

  • Today, or tomorrow at the latest, the blague Dr. Metablog will have been visited for the twenty-thousandth time.  A milestone — twenty thousand readers.

    Well, perhaps not exactly readers.  It would be more accurate to say twenty-thousand page viewers.  Twenty-thousand page views is considerably fewer than twenty-thousand readers.  Actually, many of those page-viewers aren’t readers at all and only viewers by accident;  they don’t stop long enough to read or to view; page glancers, perhaps.  They just touch down to find out whether whatever they’ve googled is what they want and then, disappointed, off they go in a microsecond.  For example, Dr. M. once wrote an entry in which he made fun of the overuse, in book titles, of the word "naked." Consequently, the blague Dr. Metablog googles to the surface when someone types in "naked weightlifting" or "naked skiiing" — a search that is attempted oodles more often than in his innocence Dr. Metablog might ever have imagined.  Internet pilgrims hoping to find salacious portraits of naked hairy weightlifters are mighty crushed and are off like a shot — but they still leave their electronic trace.  Another example:  Dr. M once wrote a tribute to Vladimir Nabokov’s excellent novel, Lolita.  Did Dr M. know that the word "lolita" is a term of art in the world of sexual exploitation?  Pity the internet hairypalms and chicken-chokers, who, searching for secret pleasure, encounter (gasp) literary criticism.   

    We here at Dr. M. could increase "traffic" simply by using such code words or by listing body parts of a groinal or perigroinal nature, but we’re too proud to do so just to increase readership  –or viewership — or glancemanship.

    Nevertheless, all of us here at Dr. Metablog are overjoyed to reach the twenty-thousand mark, whatever that number signifies.  So best regards to our readers from regular staff members Vivian de St. Vrain, Otto Onions, and Amber Feldhammer, as well as  occasional contributors Alan Saxe-Poppette, Michael Hollingsworth, Professor Marion Morrison Ph. D., Spike Schapiro, and Otis Jefferson Brown.

    Onward to thirty thousand! 

  • Today we paid a call on the New Museum of Contemporary Art.  It’s an uncompromising, vibrant building, all the more grand for being plunked down in the rusty old Bowery.  The space is wonderful.  But the stuff on exhibition is, in my less than humble opinion, ludicrous.  A mattress covered with buttons.  A cage made of chain link fencing.  Fluorescent light bulbs  arranged in a series of "Y" shapes.  Aluminum foil hanging from sticks. Broken glass on a bench.  Cardboard boxes, some open, some closed.  Plastic pipe threaded through a deck chair.

    Three substantial floors littered with such artlessness.  What a dreadful, terrible squandering of space and opportunity.

    The unifying principle:  a conspicuous antagonism to craftsmanship.  Every single piece of work left with rough edges and bad joins and unpainted surfaces, as though not to complete the task is fundamental to the aesthetic.  If there is an aesthetic other than fakery. 

    I don’t get it.  I don’t want to get it.  To me, it looked like the detritus of a civilization in utter, hopeless implosive decline.  A decadence beyond ordinary decadence.  In-your-face ugliness.

    What is attractive or interesting or even repulsive about old clothes tied into a tight bundle with an orange electrical extension cord?   It’s still a bundle of old clothes.  It’s not art because it’s in a museum, and if it’s supposed to be a critique of art, it’s not not even remotely clever.  It’s stupid.

    There were lots of museum-goers who milled unexpressively around the various objects.  Were we all pretending that we were looking at Vermeers?

    One of the sculptures, so-called, consisted of a pile of chairs, randomly arranged.  A four-year-old boy looked at the "sculpture" and announced, in a very loud and clear voice, "It’s a pile of chairs.  Very funny."  And he laughed.  It was a great clothesless emperor moment.     

  • Michael Hollingsworth, associate professor of American Literature at Texas A & M University, writes this:  "Dr Metablog:  you claim that Woody Allen and Philip Roth are doppelgangers. I've got to tell you something you might not want to hear: you're way behind the curve on this one. It's been well known in literary circles for many years that Roth and Allen are two different presentations of the same person. But there's lively disagreement about who's who. One group, the Rothites, think that Woody is an invention of Philip. The Allenites, on the other hand, are convinced that the Roth who very occasionally appears in public is an actor hired by Woody and that Woody has written all the so-called Roth novels. And then there's a more radical group (gaga conspiracy-theorists in my view) who claim that both Roth and Allen are the invention of some as-yet-unidentified third person, a prominent New York intellectual. This last theory is just nuts" 

    Wow, this is exciting news. And here I thought that I had discovered something original when I identified Roth and Allen as one and the same. Isn't it always the case; you think you have an original idea but it turns out that someone has anticipated your insight?  Stay tuned, loyal readers, as I bring myself up to date on Roth/Allen doppelgangeritudinousness.

    For a while there I was beginning to think that I was some sort of crank; now I see that I'm part of the mainstream. How reassuring. And moreover, readers, I think that I've already chosen my side in this battle. I'm inclined to be an Allenite. 

  • Sticker Shock

    We’re in Manhattan (New York, not Kansas) where I’m suffering from two kinds of sticker shock:  regular and newyorkish.  Regular:  at DIA, I treated myself to a cylinder of Life Savers:  $1.35.  Life Savers, as everyone knows, were invented by Hart Crane’s father and are still manufactured to the formula that has made them a gourmet delight for a hundred years:  "sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors (Red 40, Yellow 5, Blue 1)."  But Life Savers cost, in my childhood, exactly a nickel.  Now it’s $1.35 for a small package!!  Beyond belief!!  But if regular sticker shock is bad, what about high-voltage newyorkish shock?  In my own lifetime, it was possible to ride the NYC subway for 5 cents.  Now it’s two count ’em two bucks, making the lifesaverish increase seem like peanuts.  And what about this morning’s breakfast?  An omelet and a cup of coffee:  $17.23 plus tip.  And the earmuffs at a boutique for brazillionaires on Madison Avenue:  $650.  After an efficient deliberation, we decided against purchasing the designer earmuffs. At a nearby shop, knockoffs just as effective were available at $32.00, which, in context, seemed like a bargain. Only $16 per ear.  But shouldn’t a pair of earmuffs retail for $1.59?

  • Diligent readers of this blague will recall that last January, I made a series of daring forecasts about the year 2007.  It’s now time to review my projections and evaluate my record.  I’m proud to say that a panel of independent experts has confirmed that I hit the jackpot.  I scored an 8 out of 8, 100%, A+.  I’m now a fully accredited prophet.

    These were my 2007 predictions: 

    "1)  there will be unusual weather patterns in North America;

    2)  a famous Hollywood actress will sue for divorce;  moreover, another (or possibly the same) Hollywood star will become pregnant; another (or possibly the same) actress will gain and lose a great deal of weight; 

    3)  a well-known athlete will be accused of taking drugs;

    4)  a politician will be involved in a sex scandal;

    5)  questions will be raised about America’s food supply;

    6)  there will be either a monsoon, an airplane crash, or a capsized ferry in Asia–perhaps all three;

    7)  there will be fluctuations in the stock market, and, finally,

    8)  there will be turmoil in the Middle East."

    Did I score big-time,or what?  Note especially #4.  How did I know that "wide-stance" would become a household phrase?   Boggles the imagination.  Moreover, stock market fluctuations have been greater than even I could have hoped for (same with Mideast turmoil).  Concerning athletes and drugs, just think "Barry Bonds" and "Mitchell Report."  I knocked that one out of the park.

    Is everyone ready for my 2008 predictions? 

    I’m staying with 1-8.  But I’m going out on a limb with #9:  "A religious leader will be involved in either a financial or a sexual scandal (perhaps both)."   And #10:  "Questions will be raised about the accuracy of the vote count."

    You read it here first.  Loyal readers: check back at the end of 2008.  Let’s see if Dr. M. can top his scintillating successes of 2007. 

  • “-way”

    We were in the car heading toward Palo Alto when I brought up the old bromide that in the English language, a person drives on a parkway and parks on a driveway.  Immediately, my fellow-passengers began to list other roadways that contained the element โ€way.โ€   Highway, superhighway, freeway (and its opposite, tollway) came immediately to mind.  Then came throughway, expressway (called in England โ€˜dual carriagewayโ€™), broadway, runway,  pathway, footway, byway, subway, tramway, and skyway.  After a while, some less common words arrived:  gangway, passageway, arborway (Boston only, as far as I know;  Boston has also given us fenway), fairway, alleyway and causeway.  To what cause does a causeway subscribe?  None; the word ultimately derives from Latin calx, limestone.  As we came closer to home: doorway, hallway, archway, entranceway, stairway, breezeway.

    Ah, wellaway, there must be many others. 

    Well, why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?  Hey, why does your nose run and your feet smell?   Why is catnapping pleasurable but kidnapping reprehensible?   Itโ€™s the way of language; itโ€™s wordway.

  • In 1895, my grandparents wisely left the abysmal, backward Ukraine and struck out for the new world. Nine years later, my father was born in a cold-water flat in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. The date of his birth: December 22, 1904, exactly at the winter solstice. "And they called his name, Emanuel, God with us." If he had been born in the old country, before the Russian authorities imposed legal cognomina upon us, he would have been named Emanuel ben Isaiah–his father's name appended to his own as a patronymic.

    Despite his traditional moniker and his commitment to the essence of Judaism, my father was fiercely hostile to the irrationalities of religion. His view — and my grandfather Isaiah's even more strongly–was that for a thousand years our lineage had been kept in poverty and darkness not just by the czars but also by the rabbis. In politics, my father and grandfather began as socialists and became New Dealers; in philosophy, they rejected theological doctrine and were among the children of the enlightenment whom Moses Mendelssohn had led to the promised land of evidence and reason. I doubt that any of my ancestors knew Karl Marx's sentence that "the criticism of religion is the beginning of all criticism," but they acted as if they had absorbed it from the cradle. My brothers and I were taught to resist religious exclusivity, superstition, and ceremony.   

    We now have a religious controversy in our peaceful, progressive, and largely secular western town. A group of orthodox Jews have petitioned the city council for permission to construct an eruv. What is an eruv?  Itโ€™s a โ€œsymbolic boundary that allows orthodox Jews to carry things, including their own children, outside their home during the Sabbath." (Carrying is considered work, and orthodoxy's strict interpretation of religious law prohibits any sort of sabbatical labor.) A latter-day eruv is constructed out of fishing line that is strung on utility poles; curiously, it may incorporate functioning electric and telephone wires.

    I know that my forbears detested eruvim and similar expressions of irrational piety. I myself am not enraged by these useless but harmless superstitions.  Constructing an eruv does not endanger our species; it's not like opposing contraception or prohibiting stem-cell research. An eruv consoles the believers and doesn't much bother the rest of us. Yet if there is a spirit in the sky, which I very much doubt, I would hope that he would not be so small-minded as to issue ukases about carrying infants on Saturdays; infants should be carried as much as they want, which is just about everywhere and always. And if any god were so narrow as to promulgate an inside/outside-the-home rule, I would hope that he would be intelligent enough not to be flummoxed by such transparent trickery as hanging mylar filament on poles.   

    I have no intuitive conception of god, but I think that the orthodox trivialize our shared longing for transcendence when they sanctify such petty practices. It would be far more pious for the orthodox to take every nickel spent to appease the Ancient of Days and bestow it on a poor Jewish family from Tashkent.  If these folks can't locate eligible Jews, there are Hondurans and Sudanese a-plenty who deserve their attention. When the orthodox re-direct their enthusiasm and their resources toward truly charitable enterprises, they will honor the universal immigrant experience and they will also practice the very worthy Jewish virtue of compassion. Constructing an eruv is a foolish waste of time and fishing line.

    Here's my father's view:  "It took us hundreds of years to fight our way out of the ghetto and they want to put themselves back in jail. If the rabbis had their way," he would say, "Mahler and Bernstein and Gershwin would play accordion in a klezmer band in Bialystok, Einstein would balance the books for a caftan maker in Kiev, and a hundred and fifty Jewish Nobel Prize winners would spend their days davening in some dirty dim synagogue in Vilna."

    I think itโ€™s in a Wallace Markfield novel that an old Jewish guy confronts a group of twenty-something Jewish hippies/slackers in Miami Beach. After a heated discussion, he admonishes them:  "And don't ever be ashamed that youโ€™re Jewish. Itโ€™s enough that Iโ€™m ashamed that youโ€™re Jewish."

    Which is pretty much how I feel about the eruvistas. Well, not exactly ashamed. Embarrassed, perhaps, by their superstitious infatuation with the "dark backward and abysm of time." 

  • Our own dreams are fascinating to ourselves but not particularly interesting to others (exceptions to the general rule are the dreams recounted and expounded in Freud’s Interpretation).  I know that I presume upon my readers to record the following nightmare.  I do so only because it’s such a shocking fantasia.

    I was in a jewelry store with my wife somewhere on the Continent and we were about to purchase a small gold medallion.  It was tarnished;  I called the hint of greenness to the attention of the middle-aged, bald salesman.  At his instruction, I rubbed the medallion with my thumb until it began to shine.  Just as I did so, I noticed that the salesman’s flaccid pecker was hanging out of the fly of his pants;  I said, "OK, that’s too weird, we’re out of here."  We hurried to leave but the door to the shop was locked.  The salesman, who now looked menacing (the dream began to take on the ambience of a horror movie), reached into his pocket and pulled out a key –strangely enough, a large, castle-size key.  He flourished it and opened the door for us to leave, but there was another locked door behind the first.  He took another key, equally large, out of his pocket and opened the second door.  There was still another door and I began to think that we’d never get out of the shop.  Then the salesman reached deep into his pocket, pulled out a large hunting knife and cut off his own dingus right at the root.  At this point I decided that I’d had enough and woke up.

    Hey, don’t tell me that I suffer from castration anxiety.  I don’t, despite what the dream seems to say.  I hate to give such fodder to Freudians, but I don’t invent these dreams, I just report them.  And yes, I’m well aware that a key is reputed to be a phallic symbol. 

    I’d welcome interpretations that don’t make the dreamer out to be infantile, maniacal, or excessively StephenKIngish.

  • Yesterday I considered the near-incest situations of Philip Roth and Woody Allen.  In Roth’s My Life as a Man, Roth’s shadow Nathan Zuckerman marries Lydia Kettering and when she commits suicide he takes up with Monica, who is Lydia’s sixteen-year-old daughter by a previous marriage.  When Lydia turns twenty-one, Zucerkman proposes marriage but she, wiser than her step-father, declines.  I do not know whether Zuckerman’s borderline incest had a precedent in Roth’s real life.  I do know that Roth’s doppelganger Woody Allen eventually married Soon-yi Farrow Previn and that he has adopted two children with her.  (The woodman now has five offspring in his complex family, including two adopted and one created in the downright way with Mia Farrow.  Child-averse Roth seems to have avoided paternity.)

    While reading My Life as a Man I’ve also been watching movies by Nicholas Ray.  Last night I saw In a Lonely Place (1950) with Humphrey Bogart and Gloria Grahame.  I recommend it to all who love film.  It’s tough and intelligent, filled with great dialog, brilliant lighting, excellent music and stylish direction.  Trust me, It will hold your interest and give you something to admire.  Gloria Grahame steals the show;  she’s just as good and much more subtle than Humph.

    I didn’t know anything about Grahame’s career and life, so I looked her up on the standard databases.  Her life was so unusual that I might even try to track down a biography.

    With the Roth/Allen/incest theme on my mind, I discovered these facts about Gloria Grahame.  In 1948, Grahame married director Nicholas Ray and gave birth to a son who was named Timothy.  She and Ray were divorced;  in 1960, Gloria married Anthony Ray, Nicholas Ray’s son, and subsequently gave birth to two more boys, Anthony Jr. and James.   She had biological children by both father and son and has therefore left incest-flirters Roth and Allen in her dust.  What an achievement!

    Query:  Tim, Anthony Jr, and James are half-brothers — but are they also uncle and nephew?   Half-cousins?  Cousins?    I never fully grasped the theory of relativity.

  • A few days ago, noting that their careers and obsessions converge in ways that seem uncanny, I suggested that Philip Roth and Woody Allen were not just doppelgangers, but might in fact be one and the same person. 

    I've just now read Roth's 1970 novel My Life as a Man, which must be the most self-consciously narcissistic "fiction" ever written — at least since Ben Jonsonโ€™s Fountain of Self-Love four hundred and seven years ago. The novel is a large helping of Philip Roth, followed by more Philip Roth and with a dollop of Philip Roth to the side. My Life as a Man purports to be drawn from the writings of Peter Tarnopol, who is one of the Rothโ€™s many alter egos. The first part of the novel comprises two short stories by Tarnopol, so-called, about a character named Nathan Zuckerman (the very Zuckerman destined to evolve into the most highly developed of Rothโ€™s self-projections — Rothโ€™s very own alter-ego-issimus). So here's the design of My Life as a Man: Roth, writing as Tarnopol, writes about Zuckerman, who is Roth himself. Itโ€™s a closed loop, a totalizing tautology, a pleonasm brought to perfection — a literary eruv with nothing inside but Roth hisself.

    In the latter part of the novel, the psychoanalyst Abraham Spielvogel amusingly diagnoses Tarnopol as "one of the top young narcissists in the arts." But gosh, just because R/T/Z can poke fun at his self-love (sometimes called autoeroticism) doesnโ€™t mean that the novel becomes less oppressively claustrophobic.

    While reading My Life as a Man, I couldn't help thinking, โ€œdoes Roth do anything other than act like Belmondo looking at himself in the mirror? does he have interests other than Roth?โ€ 

    Like Roth, Woody Allen appears in his own works as a familiar continuing persona โ€“- he's always more or less the same guy: bespectacled, nervous, death and sex obsessed, self-mocking, a deliverer of one-liners — who may not be Allen but is certainly constructed of woodyallenian raw materials. Allenโ€™s collected works, like Rothโ€™s, approximate an autobiography. 

    It's clear that one element of their doppelgangerism is their almost equivalent obssession with self.  But there are also more precise parallels.     

    In "Useful Fictions," which is one of the short stories that comprise the first part of My Life as a Man, Peter Tarnopol tells the story of Nathan Zuckerman's disastrous marriage to a woman named Lydia Kettering. (It's a most puzzling liaison, because Zuckerman dislikes — actually hates — Lydia right from the start. Roth/Tarnopol claims that  exogamous Zuckerman is enthralled or perhaps even hypnotized by Lydia's difference -โ€“ by her distinctly unJewish, unbourgeois, uneducated, undisciplined personality.  But Zuckermanโ€™s attraction to her is inadequately explicated; it makes him seem not enigmatic but dull, dense, pathetic and ultimately incomprehensible. It's not the character who's flawed; it's the artistry of the writer. After some lunatic adventures, the Zuckerman/Kettering marriage begins to collapse. And then Zuckerman takes a shine to Lydia's daughter Monica, whom he met when she was just ten years old. (Cf. V. Nabokov, Lolita, 1959). After Lydiaโ€™s suicide, Zuckerman takes sixteen-year-old Monica to his bed and to Italy. When she turns twenty-one and is technically no longer his ward, he proposes marriage. She refuses him. Smart girl.

    Hereโ€™s the question, class. Can anyone recall the name of a prominent film writer and director who formed a relationship with the daughter of his longtime companion?  Let me give you a hint: Roth grew up just west of Manhattan in Newark; the director in question hails from just east of Manhattan in Brooklyn. No hands?  No takers? Let me offer another hint: the young lady in question is named Soon-yi Farrow Previn. Anyone want to take a guess?  Yes, thatโ€™s right, itโ€™s Woody Allen, whose romance with Mia Farrowโ€™s daughter scandalized the nation in 1992.

    Omigod!  Woody did in the '90s what Phil fictionalized in the '70s: he married his wifeโ€™s daughter.

    Did Woody read and study My Life as a Man?  Did both men imagine that Lolita was designed as a how-to guide to sexual manners? Or was there something in the seltzer that provoked both of these guys to dabble with the incest taboo? What, in other words, gives? Are Roth and Allen joined at the hip or at the area adjacent to the hip or are they in fact the same person?  Stay tuned as we explore this continuing mystery.

  • Some Rituals

    Shakespeare’s audiences were notoriously raucous.  Folks entered and left during performances, commented loudly on the action and the actors, and ate oranges and hazelnuts during performances.  (When the Rose Theater was excavated in 1994, its floor was found to be paved with crushed hazelnut litter.)  The Rose, the Globe, and the Fortune were noisy, busy, vital places, far different from today’s excessively reverent theaters.  I wish it were otherwise.  I would be much more interested in live theater if I didn’t feel that I was stepping into a museum or mausoleum.  Why shouldn’t we voice our approval or disapproval?  A vigorous environment did not inhibit gentle Will.  Nowadays we have more Awe but less Art. 

    I feel the same about visits to the symphony (but I’m more tolerant, especially on a Brahms or Beethoven evening).  The ritual of concert-going amuses me: the various instrumentalists wandering to their places, then the concertmaster, then at last the maestro, the polite applause, the bowing, etc.  There’s an old story about "the man from Borneo"  — when Borneo was synonymous with the end of the earth — who was taken to the Boston Philharmonic.  After the concert, the M from B was asked, "Which part of the concert did you like best."  "Before the man with the stick came on."      

    Yesterday I went to see our local university basketball team. It wasn’t a very good game and my mind wandered to the elements of the ritual:  first the warming up, then the teams leave the court, then the Star-Spangled Banner, then the overexcited introduction of the starters, ("at six five from San Bernadino California") and of course the blond perky cheerleaders with their theatrical enthusiasm and familiar tumbling routines.  And the band, playing their hearts out during the TV timeouts.  It’s all so very schematized and overdetermined.  But exciting nevertheless.   

    Both the symphony and the basketball game are highly ritualized, but I have to admit that on the whole, I’m more comfortable at the arena than at the concert hall.  Especially when I have to cough; nothing more awkward than trying to suppress a cough during a pianissimo passage — especially for those of us who are inordinately sensitive to social censure.   

    I wish the symphonies could incorporate some of the vitality of basketball.  At the arena, the members of the band swing their trombones to left and right.  Why couldn’t the violins and violas give us a little of that?  And then we have the tuba cheer, where the tubists come on court and whirl in rapid circles.  What an opportunity for cellos and double-basses to show off their skill and add some visual excitement to the performance.  The cheerleaders regularly climb each others’ shoulders.  Why not the woodwinds?    

    And the audiences?  They can participate by eating oranges and hazelnuts.  And shouting approval.  "Go woodwinds!"   

  • At  first I found Vernon God Little to be rough going.  The narrative voice — a popcultch-saturated south Texas adolescent idiom — took some getting used to. The novel is a post-mass-murder burlesque, hilarious in spots, but not even remotely credible.  Vernon God Little won the Man Booker Prize in 2003, but I wonder whether the novel would be so highly regarded by English literati if it had portrayed England the way it portrays the U.S — as a country where everyone, every single person, is either a pederast, an idiot, a con-man, a traitor, an opportunist, an incompetent, or just fat, lovelorn, vicious and vacant. The pseudonymous DBC Pierre, an Australian, seems to have acquired all his information about the United States from watching trash TV.  He’s written a funny book, because caricature can be very amusing, but I hope that unwary Europeans and Asians who read Vernon God Little don’t think that they’ve entered the heart of America, because they sure as hell haven’t. Caveant lectores. I wonder also about the novel’s thick impasto of Christian symbolism.  Vernon lives on Beulah Lane in a town called Martirio; he calls himself a "skategoat."  Will he die for America’s vulgarities?  And are we supposed to take seriously Vernon’s last-minute conversion to faith?  I couldn’t — in fact, the last-chapter Hollywood ending seemed to me mighty meretricious.   

  • Last week I reported that in 1929 William Empson was expelled and expunged from Cambridge University for owning a condom, a circumstance that I judged to be an scandalous instance of ancient prudery. But in thanks to one of those fascinating moments of cultural convergence, I've just re-read, after almost fifty years, Philip Roth's Goodbye, Columbus, which also turns on a discovered contraceptive — in the latter case, a diaphragm. Readers of the novella will remember that Roth's Newark alter ago, Neil Klugman, enjoys a summer romance with rich 'Cliffie Brenda Patimkin and pressures her to obtain a pessary. In due time the incriminating object is discovered by Brenda's protective, overbearing mother. Shock and outrage ensues, and the romance founders. 

    When I read about the Empson-Cambridge contraceptive scandal, I felt as though I was entering an alien, distant and incomprehensible past. But Goodbye Columbus appeared in 1959, when I was an undergraduate at Cornell — and is therefore very much a part of my conscious lifetime. Nor is Roth inaccurate about 50s sexual prudery. Contraceptives were difficult to obtain (even for married folk) and pre-marital sex was still taboo — though, I must say, a taboo honored more in the breach than the observance. The old ways were slowly changing. In 1958, I participated in my first political demonstration — or riot — when Cornell authorities tried to prohibit women from visiting men's off-campus apartments. We staged a late-night moderately out-of-control protest march to the president's office. It was an all-male event because after 11 pm, women were confined to their all-female dormitories.(The action is recorded in Richard Farina's Been Down So Long It Seems Like Up to Me [1966]). It all seems so positively quaint now — the university trying to police our sexual life and all that. Parents nowadays, at least the parents that I know, would be delighted to learn that their college-age daughters are using contraceptives.

    In Goodbye, Columbus, Neil Klugman accuses Brenda of allowing her diaphragm to be discovered so that she can end the uneasy romance. Neil's argument seemed rational in 1959, but it no longer does so. From the vantage of 2007, it's clear that the many Roth alter egos have consistently been able to find justifications and excuses to end both their affairs and their marriages. Klugman, and Kepesh, and Zuckerman are never, ever, going to be more than momentarily and intermittently loyal or satisfied, but on the whole it's going to be circumstances, not their own volition, which causes them to flee. We didn't know that then. In 1959, Goodbye, Columbus seemed like a disinterested clearing of the Victorian air; now it has been transformed into a overture  to Roth's long and tormented psychosexual opera.

  • I’ve now penetrated halfway into the Philip Roth corpus, reading not chronologically but as the novels become available in our local public library. At this moment Iโ€™ve interrupted my progress to enjoy DBC Pierreโ€™s Booker Prize novel Vernon God Little, a virgin copy of which I uncovered in a basement storage box.

    Here’s my interim report on the works of Philip Milton Roth. No doubt but that Roth has created a stunningly original and accomplished body of work: it’s witty, inventive, imaginative and unpredictable. So far The Human Stain, which I read a couple of years ago and plan to re-read soon, is my choice for masterpiece, but among the Rothgroup are a number of real dazzlers. Not a single book has been uninteresting (well, of the very early works, Letting Go was ordinary and Portnoy’s Complaint, though notorious, was not serious). But everything has been engaging, even if only for the coruscating surface. I’m genuinely impressed. The Roth guy is good.

    But, you ask, Is Roth a writer for all time, or is he a writer for this present moment?  No one can make a fair estimate until the requisite hundred years have elapsed. Nevertheless, my great pleasure and admiration for his achievement notwithstanding, I very much doubt the permanent value of Roth’s work. My provisional opinion is that Roth confines himself to too small a slice of human experience to sit at the table of the greats. The more I read, the more conscious I become that his engagement with the world is incomplete and deficient.

    At bottom, Roth’s subject is domesticity. His major characters, on the whole, do not track whales or go to war or cure diseases or wrestle with new ideas or sojourn in the wilderness; instead, they manage relationships with their parents and with their colleagues and with their mistresses and ladyfriends.  It’s no vice for a writer to choose the domestic arena:  it’s the domain of Jane Austen and Henry James, among many others.  Roth, however, presents us with a severely circumscribed domesticity — a partial and skewed view even of his own area of interest. 

    Human social life begins with the family from which we derive, but it culminates in the family that we create. It’s a cycle; weโ€™re born, we mature, we marry, we bring forth children who themselves mature, and then we shuffle off the stage. Roth understands and engages the first part of life — the growing out of childhood into adulthood. In traditional literature, it’s the part of life that, recorded in the novels of a writer less satiric and more comic than Roth, might end with a wedding feast and the promise of future fertility.  But Roth does not write traditional comedy, and he’s inordinately hostile to marriage and especially to children. He’s an acute observer of both the nuclear and extended families of his west-of-Manhattan Newark-Jewish roots.  But when it comes to the progenitive phase of life, he has little to offer: incomprehension, or less than incomprehension — merely vacancy, a hole, a void. There’s no sign that Roth appreciates that to nurture a family of one’s own is for most people a profound part of the human voyage. His characters don’t willingly marry, and if they do, they don’t stay married and they certainly don’t reproduce. There are no babies, no boys or girls, no teen-agers in the homes and streets and schools of New Rothville. 

    When we (that is, the plurality of human beings) grapple with parenthood, we inevitably come to some sort of detente with the generation that begot us.  Not only do we learn about life from our sons and daughters, but we find it immensely satisfying to do so.  But in the fifteen or so of Rothโ€™s novels that I’ve so far read, I’ve yet to find the father who loves his own children. It’s as though Roth were deaf and blind to the profounder half of human existence. Children are not a fulfillment; they are only a burden and an annoyance — clogs to Zuckerman’s or Kepesh’s or Tarnopol’s or Roth’s freedom. (Readers of Claire Bloom’s memoir of her life with Philip — Leaving a Doll’s House —will clearly remember Roth’s implacable and inexplicable antagonism to Bloom’s daughter.) For many novelists, the non-existence of paternal affection would not be a handicap to artistic achievement.  But Roth writes entirely out of his own experience; heโ€™s anything but empathic.  Roth cannot conceive of the full adulthood that comes with mature parenthood. So he doesn’t know what he can’t know — that his various alter egos, even as they age, linger in perpetual frozen adolescence. 

    Unable to imagine the love of children, Roth also lacks the ability to appreciate or describe a functioning marriage. For Roth and his multiple avatars, marriages are similar to children in that they are restrictions on individual freedom.  And therefore Roth’s hostility to husbands is corrosive and aggressive. Husbands are unmanly, emasculated. Real men have lots of women; those who pretend to enjoy a permanent partnership with one person are either slaves or eunuchs.

    Roth writes obsessively about Jews and Jewishness and Jewish culture but there’s a core Jewish value that he never acknowledges.  It’s "being a mensch."  A mensch is a mature man who does right by his friends, his associates, and especially by his family.  He meets, and more than meets, his obligations, especially when it’s rough going. He can be relied upon. He enjoys his life, but he would never put his own satisfactions ahead of his obligations to either his closest kin or to humankind in general. Of such a traditional virtue, Roth’s characters know nothing.  In these novels, Roth’s various alter egos not only shirk responsibility and run from trouble, but they judge it virtuous to do so.  In the world according to Roth, only a schmuck would be a mensch.  But perhaps the satirist is always doomed to be the malcontent outsider. A happy Rothmensch would be no Roth at all. 

    Philip Roth is by all odds the greatest novelist of arrested development ever produced by the state of New Jersey.

  • Philip Roth has written some wonderful books but this particular job isn't one of them. Portnoy's Complaint is nothing more than a comedian's shtick — the undisciplined efforts of a borscht circuit comic "working blue." Poor Philip Roth. He set to be the heir of Lenny Bruce but accidentally fathered that unfortunate by-blow, the egregious Howard Stern, who is Portnoy raised to a power. 

    Like many nightclub monologists, Roth doesn't bother to develop rounded characters but relies entirely on stereotypes. The women in Portnoy are types reduced to their crudest manifestations: the ignorant Appalachian, the upper-class twit-ess, the sabra soldier. The worst instance of stereotyping: the narrator himself, Alexander Portnoy, who embodies every single characteristic of the stage Jew except avarice and accent. Portnoy — or parts of it — would make a great Catskill routine. But a novel it's not. 

    Is it possible that Philip Roth and Woody Allen are one and the same person? Or aspects of the same person. Both start out doing sex-obsessed comic monologues and both develop into great artists. They employ similar plots and characters (compare Portnoy's gentile girlfriend Mary Jane Reed of West Virginia, whom the monologist half-heartedly tries to educate, with Annie Hall of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, advised to attend adult education classes at NYU by Alvy Singer).

    In the coming weeks, class, we will look at other Roth/Allen identities and parallels. They're both satirists and we'll explore the theory that Roth is an acerbic Juvenal while Allen is a genial Horace.   

    No doubt that Philip Roth is envious of Woody Allen's more distinct features and more compact body, but has anyone actually seen the two together?  Or even a picture of them in the same undoctored frame?  Until they're sighted in the same room, I'll reserve judgment on whether Roth/Allen is one or two persons.

  • It's easy to forget that our immediate forebears were absurdly prudish. Consider the case of William Empson, who ran afoul of the sex police in the late 1920s.

    Empson may be the most influential literary critic of the previous century. All "close reading" was pioneered by him. Seven Types of Ambiguity, written when Empson was twenty-one years old and published in 1930, was the book with which my teachers were still wrestling well into the 1950s. Prompted by their puzzlement and by their enthusiasm, I dutifully read all about "ambiguity" and I also tried my best with the equally influential Some Versions of Pastoral (1935). In all frankness, both books were far too subtle for my blunt, unphilosophical brain. In 1961, when I was a graduate student, the pious and reactionary Douglas Bush, whose course in Milton was thrice-weekly transporting me to the caves of Morpheus, dismissed Empson's ground-breaking Milton's God (1961) as the work of the "village atheist."  (Empson thought that Christianity was a cruel and savage religion because it was grounded in scapegoating; he demonstrated that Paradise Lost became muddy and opaque when Milton struggled with the ethical basis of core Christian doctrines. In later years, the literary leviathanette Stanley Fish made his reputation by domesticating, diluting, and popularizing Empson's challenging ideas.)

    Although I had lived with Empson's work since mid-century, I had absolutely no knowledge of the author's troubled private life until I read John Haffenden's William Empson, Among the Mandarins (Oxford, 2005) which at 695 pages is the first of a projected two-volume biography. (It's far too detailed; let me confess to skipping and skimming.) 

    As a student at Magdalen College, Cambridge, Empson was mostly homosexual.  Haffenden says that he was interested in "male bliss and buggery." The upper-class students with whom Empson interacted were gay-tolerant and the authorities practiced a de facto "don't ask-don't tell" policy.  In 1929, Empson was elected to the prestigious Charles Kingsley Bye-Fellowship, which paid the then-splendid sum of 150 pounds annually. By that time, Empson had turned his attention to the other gender and was conducting an affair with a woman named Elizabeth Wiskemann who was seven years his senior. Somehow or other, a porter, an employee of the College, "found that Empson had some contraceptives in his possession." It was a scandal and Empson was arraigned by the college authorities for "sexual misconduct." He was stripped of his fellowship, expelled, his name expunged from the college records, and he was even banished from the city of Cambridge (by what authority Haffenden doesn't make clear).

    For using contraceptives! For sexual relations with a woman! For preventing pregnancy! Clearly, Empson should have stuck to boys or kept clear of condoms.

    Let us remember the situation of William Empson whenever conservative commentators trumpet "family values" and call for a return to the stricter sexual codes of previous generations. Or when we might be tempted to admire the wisdom of our ancestors.    

  • Words of Wisdom

    "Skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it is," said the Great One, famously.  There you have it: perfect advice for hockey players.  It goes without saying that Gretsky's sentence applies equally well to entrepreneurs, intellectuals, artists, and in fact, to anyone who has to cope with a world in continual flux. Ah, but how can anyone know where the puck is going to be next second, or next week, or a decade hence?  Gretzky was one of those rare intuitive geniuses who did it all by instinct.  Ordinary mortals must wrack their tiny brains until their heads hurt to guess at the trajectory of their own particular puck.  Most of us, no matter how hard we try, are doomed to skate counter.  There are other people (alas, I'm one of them) who skate aimlessly, only dimly aware that somewhere out there on the field of play is a target puck.  Gretzky's wisdom deserves a prominent spot on the refrigerator of every moderately forward-looking, ambitious human being, where it can hang as both goad and frustration.

    Here's another brilliant bit of Gretskyiana:  "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

    Let us now turn to wisdom from Alan Sillitoe (young 'uns might not remember Sillitoe, but he was one of the important 'angry' English writers of the 1950s).  Sillitoe blessed us with the forceful and epigrammatic truth that "all writing is fiction, especially non-fiction."  I particularly savor that uncompromising, zingy "especially."  If I understand rightly, Sillitoe meant that a) no matter how faithful to experience a writer wishes to be, the act of writing inevitably emphasizes or omits or compresses or expands and therefore transforms experience into a story, a fiction.  And he also implied that b) no matter how factual the information, if it doesn't tell a story and act as a fiction it's not going to make its point.   Moreover, and more subtly, he meant that c) any story is ineluctably influenced and shaped by common modes of storytelling, and even against a writer's will assimilates itself to existing genres.  Bloggers, for example, are willy-nilly fictioneers who can't help writing bloglike posts.  But beware:  Alan Sillitoe most definitely did not mean to imply that because all narratives are culturally and artistically determined that they are therefore equivalent in value or truth;  he was a practiced, practical writer, not some post-modern theory-soaked obscurantist.   

    Here's wisdom from the great Anatole Broyard.   Of his adolescence, he wrote, memorably, "if it hadn't been for books, we'd have been entirely at the mercy of sex."  "Mercy" is the well-chosen word that makes the sentence so piquant.  Books, says Broyard, have the power to civilize all of us, even pubescents.  Books can, and did, rescue him.  As for myself, if I remember accurately, adolescence was, in spite of extra-large doses of books, merciless. 

    I don't know who first said that "you can't coach seven feet," but it's a common enough saying.  It doesn't mean that that you can't coach a seven-footer, but that no matter how much instruction you offer a guy who's five-ten, he's never going to be seven feet tall or fill the space on the floor that requires a seven-footer.  As I once heard a track coach remark, "I can teach them everything but speed."  A similar sentence, of baseball pitchers: "you have to be born with the whip."  For those of us who tried to teach less exotic subjects, I can offer some parallels from my own experience.  "You can't coach brains";  "you can't coach talent." 

    But you can do something.  You can, in words of great uncommon wisdom, "play the hand you're dealt."

  • Annals of the Parish is another book that I’ve waited far too long to read.  Purporting to be the reminiscences of Mr Micah Balwhidder, minister of Dalmailing in Ayreshire, Scotland between the years 1760 and 1810, it’s the most charming and friendly novel that I’ve encountered in many a day.  The industrial revolution, with all its good and evil, has found its way to rural Scotland. In Balwhidder’s succinct retrospective summation:  "there was at home a great augmentation of prosperity and everything had thriven in a surprising manner;  somewhat, however, to the detriment of our country simplicity."   The "country simplicity" seems more than half medieval;  the "augmentation of prosperity" brings with it such benefits as literacy, London newspapers, commerce, regular transportation to Glasgow, a cotton mill (not a dark Satanic one, but a place where a decent livelihood may be earned) but also such debits as bankruptcies, American and continental wars, and social fissuring.  Annals of the Parish traces the end of world we have lost and the inception of the world in which we now dwell.  Galt is good solid Age of Reason optimist, but he knows enough to mourn the very changes that he appreciates.   

    The novel is written in Scots;  it’s not particularly difficult to understand, but sometimes Galt lays it on with a trowel.  Mr. Balwhidder tries to persuade the church elders to repair his "manse":  "I made a report of the infirmities both of doors and windows, as well as of the rotten state of the floors, which were constantly in want of cobbling.  Over and above all, I told them of the sarking of the roof, which was a frush as a puddock stool."  "Frush" means scratched or crushed;  a "puddock stool" is a toadstool or mushroom.  My unabridged dictionary does not have an entry for "sarking," but it’s not difficult to guess that a sarking roof is not in perfect repair. The rich dialect, reported with affection and without condescension, intensifies the regional flavor. 

    Galt’s Dalmailing was in state of constant flux, while the various villages of Galt’s great contemporary, Jane Austen, are, in social terms, static and immobile.  Who was more the observant novelist?      

  • It sometimes happens that you meet a perfectly decent, intelligent person with whom you cannot conduct a satisfactory conversation.  He doesn’t know when you’re serious or when you’re being ironic, doesn’t get your jokes, misses your allusions and references, challenges your assumptions, and repeatedly asks, "What exactly do you mean?"  You and he are just not on the same wavelength.  There’s no empathy, no meeting of minds.

    Joseph Conrad and I have been locked into such an unprofitable relationship for these last fifty years (although, to be fair, the novelist himself is less engaged in the standoff than I).  In the 1960s, I embarked on a Conrad tour and, as is my custom, began at the beginning, reading the first six or so novels, from Almayer’s Folly through Typhoon.  It was hard labor, not love.  The much-celebrated romantic ornamented prose style settled like thick mist over my hebetudinous faculties, so much so that I frequently lost track of the plot, failed to differentiate the characters, felt myself strangled by the metaphors and boggled by the syntax.  Befogged, miasmafied.  Even the stories that I dutifully re-read, such as Heart of Darkness, required effort and discipline.

    Hungry for books, last summer, I was browsing the second-hand book shelves. There aren’t many respectable options at the bodice-ripper-rich Bookshelf in Bradford, Vermont.  Conrad’s The Secret Agent seemed like a good choice, especially since I could dimly recall that in the 1950s, the great mid-century Khan of English Literature, F. R. Leavis, had placed this particular novel way up high in the literary firmament.  For $3.50, I decided, what the heck, I’ll try Conrad again. 

    I felt my way through the Conradian fog for a few chapters, set the book aside for a couple of weeks, then started once again.  On the second or third try I finally succeeded and, for the first time in my life, connected to Conrad with ease and full comprehension.  Here’s the key:  The Secret Agent is written in that familiar grave portentous style, but it’s a funny, satirical leg-puller.  A bunch of incompetents, playing at being anarchists and communists, screw up their lives and the lives of everyone around them.  The Secret Agent is a spy novel, a police procedural, a political novel, and a comedy all rolled into one.  While was stuck thinking, late Dostoevsky, I made no progress, but when I came to the realization, not Dostoevsky but Coen brothers, the elements immediately fell into place.  Moreover, The Secret Agent is a novel not just for the pre-World War I moment, but for this present decade.  It’s extraordinarily keen and insightful about the banality of terrorism.

    Now I feel that I can tackle those other Conrad novels that have lain in wait for me all these years.  Stay tuned, fit audience but few, for further reports.  Joe C. and I may yet become great friends.

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